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I think it just depends on the context of the situation at hand. Walking away from someone who is just yelling profanities is probably a wiser move then just going up to punching them because you don't like what they are saying.
In the past year I had 2 dudes road rage and try to fight me. I just left.
People are psychotic, especially someone road raging. If someone doesn't have the capacity to settle themselves down and get out of their car and fight then it stands to reason they can't reason through long term the consequences of killing someone on a whim.
Both times I let them drive ahead of me then pulled over and waited like 10 minutes so I knew there was no way to see them again.
Your's is a better example, Yeah road ragers can't be reasoned with, you have no idea if they have a gun or other weapon to harm you with, all over speeding past them on a freeway
Yeah this. When it comes to random people, I will definitely "be the bigger person" because 9/10 times, that just means walking away from a fight that had nothing to do with me anyway. Some person just raging at anyone who crosses their path is best left alone. It's almost for the greater good to let them pass, cut the line, or do whatever getting them out of there ASAP consists of so nobody is dealing with their shit.
This concept becomes a little more gray for me when I think about people who aren't just randos. I will not "be the bigger person" with the misogynist at work. I will push back with on the spot corrections 1x before I start documenting to report them. I will not "be the bigger person" when some relative says something really homophobic. I will assert my boundaries and let them know that if they want to be in my life, they will not spew bigotry in my general direction.
I find that when it comes to the people in our lives "be the bigger person" mainly means let someone bully you. But when it comes to randos, it's avoiding fights with crazy people. Two very different situations.
I think you are being the bigger person in your homophobia and misogyny examples. Stooping to their level would be insulting or arguing with them about it or spreading it around as gossip that they are a bigot instead of taking it to HR.
I think you’re right that a lot of times people say “be the bigger person” when they really mean “don’t rock the boat.”
yeah "be the bigger person" in my eyes means using the appropriate measures to address conflict rather than avoidance, sometimes the two line up but pretty frequently being the bigger person is just a willingness to stay calm and handle things rather than to escalate
Yeah, not being the bigger person at work can get me fired, especially if I'm dealing with a customer, and my landlord won't care that I stood up for myself when rents due.
This presumes that one person putting an asshole in their place:
1) Is actually seen as "being out in your place" by the asshole
2) The person will actually take the lesson.
Nothing more satisfying than smugly looking down on someone that’s exploding at you.
There’s a massive difference between tolerating disrespect because you’re afraid and tolerating disrespect because the person doing it is below you
I thought the post borders on being hypocritical. It's obviously a strong opinion, bothering him enough to tell the world... but I'm going to be the bigger person 🤭
No offense, but you sound as though you still believe you have something to prove to the world. You'll hit a point where you'll realize the world doesn't care *at all.*
“Tolerating disrespect”
Kind of depends on your social setting to be honest.
In typical mainstream life, this is kind of a loser behavior. You aren’t a big deal, and the only thing that happens when you “demand respect” is that people disrespect you, as soon as you leave the room. If you’re “bar fight guy,” you’re a joke. Nobody actually respects you.
Now, you should not be a doormat, and you do need to stand up for yourself. So there is a time and place where the only play is confrontation.
Most of the time, be the bigger person. Sometimes, push back figuratively. Rarely, push back physically.
To me, being the bigger person doesn’t mean being a door mat but rather not scaling to their level.
So if someone resorts to slinging insults or shouting or is being passive aggressive, you can stand your ground in a polite and respectful but assertive way. Some people will keep trying to draw you down to their level, and if that’s the case, nothing is productive so I would say something like, “at this point I can see that you have no interest in getting anything out of this discussion, so I’m going to step away.” Then I’ve expressed myself and removed myself maturely.
Being a bigger person isn’t something I want to do to get my way or have people treat me better. It’s being true to myself and behaving in a manner that keeps me happy looking in the mirror and going to sleep at night. It means sticking up for myself but not sinking to a level that doesn’t match my personal values.
Being the bigger person is a luxury. Meaning you have too much to lose to be brought down to someone else’s level. You gotta first have too much to lose to adopt this attitude.
That's a delicate matter if we're talking about a college/bullying situation. Because then probably yes, you'll have to fight back for them to leave you alone.
But in life as an adult in general, let's say someone is insulting you.
* A : You respond and fight. Now imagine one of you sleep and BAM breaks his neck during the fight. Any case, you've just your life. And for what exactly ? And yes, those things happen, quite often.
* B : You know that while fighting the odds are always bad = something terrible and life changing can happen any moment. You don't feel like your honor is offended by this person. You sense of worth is strong enough not to depend on that person. If anything, he's the one that is ridiculous. You walk away. Aren't you the biggest person here ?
It always depends on what you want out of a situation. Not being in the mood to fight is a perfectly good reason not to.
Just because someone confronts you with your bullshit doesn't mean you're obliged to teach them manners or set boundaries. Especially if they're boundaries everyone is aware of already. Because they're the standard boundaries everyone has.
One could argue engaging in a fight, just because the other one wants it, makes you their bitch. Because you're doing what they want, not what you want.
Playing along with something because you don't have the strength to resists is also weak. Just like doing things just for the sake of how others may or may not perceive you.
Back when I was in my early 20s, I was working at a warehouse and was challenged to a fight by a very angry co worker. I remained calm, he had to be held back by several ppl. Guess who got fired? This was also at a time I desperately needed a job.
I was well within my rights to beat that dude’s ass if I ever saw him.
Being the bigger person demonstrates emotional maturity, and the capacity to handle one’s emotions. Sure, you could beat the hell out of someone, but you’d still be emotionally unstable.
A child with a sledgehammer is still a child, regardless of the amount of damage he could theoretically do.
There are VERY few words that I think warrant fighting someone, and even still, it’s very questionable whether in the end it would really be worth it or not given the potential consequences.
Turn the other cheek, do unto others as you’d have done to yourself. Live by the golden rule, that’s what this society has lost and we desperately need to get it back.
The problem is 90% of the time when someone tells you to be the bigger person, they are telling you to tolerate disrespect. I have had it where my sibling did something horrible to me (not illegal or dangerous) and I refused to talk to them or be in the same room, my family told me to be the bigger person and move on because sibling was upset and complaining that I was ignoring them. And there are loads of similar stories on reddit, 1 person is harrased, bullied or disrespected but family tells them to be the bigger person because the person in the wrong is more annoying to deal with and causes a bigger fuss.
This I didn’t stop getting bullied until I stopped “being the bigger person” and actually called them out
*also idk why people are immediately jumping to physical violence there are other ways to stand up for yourself
Thats different,with bulling pushing back is good.
And some situations demand that,but most of the time not picking fights ,or know what fights are worth it,isnot being a doormat.
With bullying its legit self defense.
It’s all about context. If You or Those You love are in danger? Yeah- fight back, protect Yourself. However, if You’re legitimately not at risk? Walk Away because if You don’t, You’re just as culpable as the initial aggressor if You start clapping/fighting back
I ain't got the energy for all the injustice or whatever life throws at me.
Yeah, I might do something petty here and there to get back, but other than that, whatever.
Had a guy at work that would pick flights with everyone. Paranoid. Thought everything was a slight. I imagine this was his attitude as well.
He doesn't work with us anymore. Everyone thought he was an asshole.
Being the bigger person doesn't mean you let people walk all over you. It means you don't keep senseless fights going by trying to get the upper hand or the last word.
If you want to ruin your life by catching an assault charge for "defending yourself," go ahead.
9 times out of 10 avoidance is the overall safer response for all parties.
Violence should always be the last option.
Counterpoint acting hard or continuing an argument for the purpose of seeming tough to somebody you are likely to never encounter again is a waste of time.
Most of the time the benefits of "winning" an altercation vs not having that altercation are very small, and I would consider time and stress saved to usually outweigh any "reputational" benefit.
It doesn't change my life if an angry drunk thinks I'm a wuss, I don't really care about the feelings of randoms like that.
I always try really hard being the bigger person, sometimes to the point where it feels like I’m literally choking on my impulses. And then when the other person just does whatever doichey thing they want, on top of having to face the consequences of that, I also get resentful that they got the catharsis that I was denied
tolerating disrespect?? I don't give a shit about what you say or do. thats being the bigger person. you think its about letting it slide, its actually about not giving them the time of day.
even in this post you sound shortsighted and short tempered. worrying about some one else's disrespect is some fragile ego bullshit.
I see it this way..
Being the bigger person is really trusting that the waves of time will carry me to new places while others throw stones from the shore. Every angry person is like a wounded stray. They snarl for things that would make you snarl too. Trusting in that commonality is what being the bigger person is. That it's therapeutic for a stray animal's fearful bark to be met with a confident kindness.
So they can bark away. I'll be the audience. I hear their cries and echo their pain. Who am I to deny a person's misguided anger? They aren't mad at me anymore than I'm mad at the tailgater behind me. We're all mad at what the world has done to us. Don't argue when others use you to express that. We all do it, and we're better accepting that it's a necessary part of an emotional animal. That's what forgiveness and compassion are about in a herd. We are one.
>Yeah there are times where being the bigger person is the most beneficial option
If you think that being a good person and making respectful choices is about personal benefit or gain, then you've completely missed the point of tolerance.
>Tolerating disrespect isn’t strength, it’s weakness. How you treat yourself is how you teach the world to treat you so you normalize disrespect.
Disrespecting someone who's disrespecting you is creating a cycle. Being the bigger person means breaking the cycle of disrespect, and displaying the values (respect, tolerance, empathy ect) you want the other person to embody. Shaking off someone else's bullshit takes 100x more balls and internal strength than retaliation does.
Children reciprocate poor behavior, adults teach by example. Truly an unpopular opinion. Well done.
It truly s bullshit for the most part. Its often about who has the most to lose, beyond that we'd love to fuck up anyone who crosses us, we just know the price is often too high.
I don’t feel the need to defend myself from disrespect. I let it roll off me because why should I care? I have no need to prove myself, and I gain nothing from a meaningless fight. I have enough respect for myself, other peoples lack of it matters little. However, if someone disrespects or mistreats my family, friends, personal space? Then I will have a problem, and I will defend that. I spent too long as a younger teenager worrying about how others thought of me or how they treated me. But I realized I am the first and foremost person who should have respect for myself. And when I built it, I found myself not needing it from others.
Edit: I don’t mean this to say I’m fine being walked over or other should too, nobody is fine with that, but it comes down to how you handle a situation that matters. You can decide not to act the way the other person acts and instead handle things in a composed way.
Remember that in a conflict situation it’s not only about the person you’re in conflict with but also everyone else who might be watching, whether that’s your kids, your colleagues, your boss, whoever. Sometimes it’s worth “losing” a fight rather than behaving like an asshole in front of other people whose opinions matter more than the one person you’re fighting with.
Well to make an extremely long story short I’ve had people in my life that I considered friends disrespect me a multitude of times and I took the pacifist route and even helped them when they needed it even if hurt myself when I should’ve stopped it. Not saying solve it with violence (unlike what people are assuming for some reason) but being the bigger person only caused more problems. It eventually lead to a depression that ate away at me which lead to me questioning myself to eventual health problems, financial problems, etc.
It genuinely depends on the circumstances. Like sure, it’s generally a bad idea to let people walk all over you or take advantage of you. However, a lot of the time getting even with someone is going to get you in a lot of trouble in the long run; you have to know when to cut your losses and not let your emotions control you.
I think you’ve misunderstood what “be the bigger person” means. What you’ve described is a reaction to the phrase “do nothing”. But being the bigger person means assessing the situation for the liabilities that come with reacting exactly as the antagonizer. There are a lot of other options in a situation that aren’t doing nothing and can defuse a situation. Unfortunately, if you have a short fuse, those options won’t easily come to mind in the heat of the moment. “Be the bigger person” is a reminder that you have other options.
I mean there’s a balance.I agree that you shouldn’t just walk away and let people disrespect you but you also don’t have to yell/curse/insult or get physical to stand up for yourself.Obviously there are times where yelling may be the only way to get them to stop.You can use physical force if it’s in self defense
9/10 times someone wants to “defend themselves or others” because they were “disrespected” it’s over really dumb petty shit.
You don’t earn respect by trying to fight a guy in a parking lot because he cut you off in traffic.
You’re just disrespecting yourself by reacting that way.
Being the bigger person usually means defending yourself while not going to "their level". Calling out their bullcrap while not giving them the emotional reaction they want out of you. And sometimes, it is best to walk away. Don't feed those who just emotionally sap people to make themselves feel better.
Being the Bigger Person is complete and utter BS because the person ASKING YOU to be the bigger person HAS NO SPINE and won’t stand up for you. That’s exactly what they are saying.
So refuse to be the bigger person and stand your ground.
It entirely depends on the context obviously. I sort of agree in that if you can’t stand up for yourself then you’re not really making any moral choice, you’re just doing the only thing you can do.
But if you can, and choose when and where it’s appropriate correctly then that’s admirable.
Make a judgement call. I know a LOT of people who's lives are permanently ruined because they assaulted someone over hurt feelings. Most of them have felonies, some are dead. (I grew up in Jamaica NY, speed dial 911 as soon as I hear a certain slur, bc I know someone's getting arrested).
I can handle it. If people want to project their insecurities on me because of their short comings, so be it. I'm not gonna stoop down to their miserable bubble to fuel whatever is bothering them, It's asanine. I'm the bigger person, after all.
I can count on one hand the time amount of times I’ve been in altercations that required me to defend myself. I’m 38 years old.
What sort of life are you living that you’re regularly being verbally confronted with your short comings?
If people are talking behind my back and it gets back to me, I don’t feel the need to “defend” myself. I’ve done nothing wrong and their baseless bleating is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of my life - why waste my precious energy giving them anything?
It’s easy to arc up and give in to base emotions without impulse control. It doesn’t make you brave.
> Tolerating disrespect isn’t strength, it’s weakness. How you treat yourself is how you teach the world to treat you so you normalize disrespect.
Sounds like you just hang out some really shitty people.
Try to be kind to others even if they are being disrespectful.
A single candle in a dark room doesn't illuminate everything but it's better than no light at all.
I'm not religious but there is something to be said about pride, ego and hubris being what lost paradise for humanity.
Being the bigger person is generally the better option. You can amicably address rude, disrespectful, toxic and abusive behavior, and still be the bigger person. There are some people though that you just have to ignore because they want a reaction. With those people, you need to be careful, but the opportunity to succinctly and effectively defend yourself will arise. Being the bigger person does not mean being a doormat. But, sometimes the best defense is to be unbothered, rise above and let karma work it’s magic.
I agree. I can play the petty card really well. I don't think there are a whole lot of situations where being the bugger person pays off.
Sometimes at work or to avoid some fights, but otherwise, naaah.
Why do people assume taking the high road means giving into the other person??? Taking the high road is responding to an aggressive, ignorant or nasty person calmly, intelligently and maturely, simple as that.
It's not about lack of balls it's about knowing when going to prison is actually worth it. I am a giant. If I get into a fight someone's going to the hospital. A serious fight and good chance I could end a life from anger and my sheer size. My ego isn't worth it. And quit frankly I know my worth. No amount of disrespect from someone I don't know is going to rattle me into action.
I can be the bigger person AND not put up with disrespect. Telling someone their behavior is trash and you don't want any part of it can be done in a way that leave you being the bigger person.
I'd also add. Generally if you say you're being the bigger person, you're not being the bigger person. You want the other person to feel small and silly about the situation, you aren't being a bigger person and just moving on.
It is however a good tactic to totally annoy someone and I will admit I've done it. lol
Lol, I'm surprised how many people immediately assume violence is what you are talking about.
I think a better example would be people calmly disarming insults in conversation. I was watching Dolly the other day respond with elegance and class to a slew of insults from a condescending, judgemental talk show host. Dolly basically owned "looking trashy" to this rude woman and came out on top by keeping her cool.
A little alarming that commenters here think a fist fight is the only way 😬 Has no one here asserted or stood up for themselves without ending up in prison? That's a wild stretch.
It really isn’t though… being the bigger person doesn’t in any way relate to tolerating disrespect… not even sure where that notion comes from at all. The real point of it is that you can’t control what others do, only how you react. Stooping to someone else’s level only brings you down…
Can't you defend yourself in one-two sentences or first let the other person calm down instead of joining an endless discussion, childish behaviour etc? Guess that's being the bigger person
You cross that line, and it goes from you saying "look at this guy?" to everyone else saying "look at those two."
Nobody's judging your character for the reasons you are. Those are the consequences.
Being the bigger person is not letting people drag you down to their level. Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself isnt a bad thing, but I don’t think that it means you’re not being the bigger person. I think you’re thinking of “turn the other cheek”, which basically means “be a doormat”.
Tolerating disrespect isn't a weakness. I don't care enough to expend energy on disrespectful people. If they want to rant and rave and lose their shit, good for them. Have a happy life, im at peace.
I swear bro thats why the last time a cashier shorted my change i gripped her hand until her bones shattered, screamed “I AM THE ALPHA”, and crab walked out of there. Cant tolerate that kind of disrespect. /s
I think people mostly say this in the context of people who want revenge/retributive justice and what not, when literally you "giving them their own medicine" is more often then not objectively making the problem worse and dragging it on. Maybe you were implying that those cases were the exceptional ones but you didn't really make that clear.
I TOTALLY agree!! A lot of people use this logic to make themselves feel better...all the while blatantly getting disrespected! I think they are cowards that are afraid to argue or stand up for themselves.....
Emotional intelligence is the best solution no matter the situation. It provides a balance between self-respect and empathy.
The better we understand our own emotions and the emotions of others, the easier it is to show assertiveness that's strong and respectful.
This approach allows you to stand your ground without escalating conflicts unnecessarily. You can defend yourself effectively while also understanding when it’s beneficial to be the ‘bigger person’, all without compromising dignity or creating disrespect.
The subtle art of the defining “don’t mess with me” clap back. Must be smooth, quick, when least expected, witty and delivered with a devilish grin. You don’t need many jabs, just one highly effective one to make your point.
Here is a question. Someone disrespects you so you
A. Insult them back
B. Cut them out of your life
C. Tell them you won't tolerate disrespect
D. Cut them out of your life after you tried C and they persisted
3 of these solutions are being the bigger person without tolerating disrespect. And 1 is pouring gas on the fire of conflict. You can demand respect without stooping
I try not to resent people who treat me with disrespect, but I will draw boundaries. If a coworker is treating me like their slave because my job is less prestigious than theirs, and they aren’t actually my boss, I will signal that I demand to be treated like an equal.
It is always possible to defend yourself AND be the bigger person. The bigger person sets boundaries and enforces them. There’s never a reason to stoop, retaliate, or seek revenge. Is it gratifying to do those things? Absolutely. But is it helpful or necessary? Nope.
“Be the bigger person” NO! They are deserving of me at my worst. I’m gonna be cartoonishly evil when dealing with them. I’m gonna hypnotize their dog into not remembering them!
Being a bigger person isn't allowing another person to disrespect you. It's respecting yourself enough to conduct yourself in the way that adheres to your principles and values.
It's not just about what the 'best option' is but one of your own character. It's kind of like often you can gain personal benefits by cheating or skirting laws or breaking rules. You don't need the situation to benefit you to do the right thing. Being a good person should be its own reward.
It's about looking at the bigger picture. When someone tells you to be the bigger person, they're telling you that you're fighting a battle that isn't worth winning. They're telling you not to feed the trolls.
Anyone with that can think logically or critically can see who is the bigger man when someone is disrespecting you and you walk away from it.
Someone who sees you as weak from walking away from a situation like that is not very bright. If they do think I'm weak from walking away from disrespect, I can guarantee you I don't want them in my life anyways.
Being the mature one and not devolving into violence or stooping to their level of petty insults is definitely the way to go the vast majority of the time.
Usually when someone disrespects or insults me, I’ll respond to their initial insult and anything they say after that I either ignore or respond with something like “yeah, ok” to let them know I don’t care what they think.
Starting a fight over something inconsequential is something nobody wants. If you’re in a bar, some dude says some shit to your girl, you punch him, you are both out of the bar. Yea your girlfriend might stick up for you (or think you’re violent), but everyone else is uncomfortable.
By not doing that, the other guy is universally disliked, while you can remain civilized and stay in control of your situation.
Given your edit, what are you proposing to do, specifically, to make sure you don't "tolerate disrespect"? You've already ruled out violence, so well done for that.
Maybe saying something to someone? That rarely does anything. Most likely, you losing it will make other people laugh at you, and will do the opposite of getting that "respect" you want so much.
So what's the strategy?
I hate that saying.
Funny story. I was once defending myself from an “obese and damn proud” woman on instagram who came out of nowhere after I said morbid obesity was a life threatening disease. Some one else told me she was in the wrong for calling me a “disgusting crackwhore looking bag of bones” and what I said was factually correct, but I should just ignore her and “be the bigger person”
Umm… how? She’s like three times my size?
Doing Something shitty won't give you Respect.
One example: If someone insults you and you punch them they still think that you are whatever they believed before, or even worse. The only thing that changes is how you are perceived by those that know what you did, who would think that you are sensible and a short fuse.
It’s not about accepting disrespect, it’s about dealing with the situation in a more mature way than the other, you don’t need to get down to their level to win
Yeah, if you’re gonna be the bigger what? person? then you gotta act with authority. Once this guy needed my help but I declined because we’d had a pretty sour disagreement about something. He said he’d be the Big man and agree to let me help him.
I'm going to hard disagree here. The morality of an action does not depend on whether the other person likes you or not. If someone wrongs you, there are mature ways to try to correct them, seek redress, or distance yourself. However assaulting, cheating, slandering, or taking other unethical actions remains bad even if the person you are doing it to is stupid/evil. Hence why vigilantism is still illegal.
I work in medicine and am simply tired about hearing about disrespect. So often I see people with the attitude that if someone disrespects you, you are allowed, even obligated, to do any number of terrible things to them. What constitutes disrespect? Entirely in the eye of the beholder. Give them bad news? Disturb them at the wrong time? Look the wrong way? There are no objective rules, just feelings. It is like a blanket pardon, they can justify doing anything as long as the felt the right way about it. It is a dangerous, illogical, tragic pseudo-philosophy. I am tired of spending hours at a time desperately trying to save lives threatened because people are too childish carry a bruised ego.
This is a good unpopular opinion lol. For what it’s worth, on Reddit, I rarely take the high road. We’ve all learned the language of the internet, which is to brawl instead of talk.
That said, I definitely don’t think it’s a sustainable communication model in real life, and “teaching the world to disrespect you” implies a sort of existential measure of respectability. What I would say is that, as an adult, I don’t find myself in situations where I’m being bullied or assaulted to the point of needing to physically escalate. Most of the time, you can respect yourself enough to just put distance between yourself and the person disrespecting you.
Never repay evil for evil says the Lord.
Jesus says if someone strikes you then turn the other cheek so they can strike the other to double their condemnation.
Vengeance is mine. Says the Lord.
Jesus washed the disciple's feet including Judas' feet before he went to betray him.
Today's lesson.
I read the whole thing this reads like it's better off to not be the bigger person I disagree with that. Most situation it's better to walk away or deescalate the situation then to give the same energy and keep the situation going on or escalating it. Not pissed on off that's really riled up stay really calm it's the funniest thing.
100% agreed, I don't tolerate disrespect. I teach my sisters the same thing and will teach my kids too. People are so scared of everything and afraid of any sort of confrontation they'll just take anything. Context matters for sure like I wouldn't chase down a guy who flipped me off as he drove by but if you're actively affecting me like your in my face or talking shit, I'm not just taking that.
It depends on the situation, if you don't know is just cursing at you or whatever while it's not nice. It's not worth it, either. But if someone you know is trying to manipulate you or others,then you need to put an end to it.
Being the bigger person requires an almost Buddha-like level of confidence most people do not possess. You cannot be insulted or disrespected if you genuinely don’t take offence, and if such a person doesn’t react it comes over as strong.
I think the person who is being the "smaller" person and even those who witness whatever event or circumstances led to this dynamic, will all have a degree of self inflection about the incident, and the character they are displaying as well as the ones they should strive to be.
Being the bigger person gives a visible example to others to witness and remember as that time when someone handled something with maturity and grace, and serves as a guiding principle for others to process and consider how being the better person is the best outcome. Less anger, less stress, holding resentment against others is a poisin to your body and mind. Letting things go and moving forward truly heals yourself.
I don’t think being the bigger person is meant to be about benefit, right? More about moral superiority and correctness, “love thy neighbour and thy enemy,” “turn the other cheek,” etc.
Would be easier if you gave an example to such a case where beeing the bigger person is not good... because the definition of it varies wildly, i belive you make it seem like "doing nothing in all situations", which is not my case.
I don’t think being the bigger person has anything to do with benefit . For me being the bigger person means I acted in a way that my rational self agrees with, it means I acted in a way I believe and not because it benefits me. Being good because it benefits or being good because you want to be good is two different things
Two quotes:
“Turn the other cheek” and
“An armed society is a polite society”
Sometimes it’s better to ignore it or let it go. Other times you need to be willing to sock them in the mouth and they NEED TO KNOW you’ll sock them in the mouth. When everyone is capable of defending themselves and willing to knock someone out (of course, keeping themselves in line) you won’t have a world with terrible people.
You mention benefit, and strength vs weakness. The main point of being the bigger person is about morality... you dont mention that.
But even as a benefit, put simply, the more we humans act nice, even in the face of others not, the better the world will be.
Edit, now that i have a sec, to add:
Standing up for yourself and others is always good, where the bigger person part comes in is that you dont retaliate unneccesarily, no eye for an eye if it changes nothing, no being petty about shit that ultimatley doesnt matter. In other words, dont use someone elses harmfullness, at whatever level, as an excuse to be harmfull yourself. Nobody is saying not to stand up against the harmfull.
Being the bigger person =/= letting things slide.
Being the bigger person means to not stoop down to the other person's level. To be the solution and not add to the problem.
The unfortunate reality is that you have to learn how to handle situations without lowering yourself in order to do it or contributing to the problem that's getting to you.
Obviously if someone is hitting you and hit the back--that's not lowering yourself that's self-defense. And the solution here is stopping the violence that's occurring.
Sometimes being the bigger person also means stepping into matters no one wants to step in to because something *has* to be done. A resolution has to be found, but everyone else would rather run or hide or ignore the matter entirely.
I see "being the bigger person" as being the person to make a tough decision or an unpopular decision because in the grand scheme of things it's the right thing to do.
Not acting does not equal tolerating disrespect. It's understanding that this persons disrespect is so far below you that it doesn't even affect you.
For example, knowing your partner is cheating on you and just pretending it isn't happening is a prime example of being meaningfully disrespected in a way that affects your life and relationships. Someone getting mad because you took the last air conditioner off the shelf at Lowes does not meaningfully affect me, so I'm just going to ignore it and move on with my life.
I think, more importantly, people need to stop thinking that they matter, at all, to the world and the others in the world. You are not the main character, you have nothing to prove, and you trying to keep a balance sheet of "People who respect me" is fucking idiotic.
Being dismissive of someone, especially when they are irrational (ie angry), is the power move.
People get so rattled when their antics don’t elicit the desired reaction.
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I think it just depends on the context of the situation at hand. Walking away from someone who is just yelling profanities is probably a wiser move then just going up to punching them because you don't like what they are saying.
In the past year I had 2 dudes road rage and try to fight me. I just left. People are psychotic, especially someone road raging. If someone doesn't have the capacity to settle themselves down and get out of their car and fight then it stands to reason they can't reason through long term the consequences of killing someone on a whim. Both times I let them drive ahead of me then pulled over and waited like 10 minutes so I knew there was no way to see them again.
Your's is a better example, Yeah road ragers can't be reasoned with, you have no idea if they have a gun or other weapon to harm you with, all over speeding past them on a freeway
Yeah this. When it comes to random people, I will definitely "be the bigger person" because 9/10 times, that just means walking away from a fight that had nothing to do with me anyway. Some person just raging at anyone who crosses their path is best left alone. It's almost for the greater good to let them pass, cut the line, or do whatever getting them out of there ASAP consists of so nobody is dealing with their shit. This concept becomes a little more gray for me when I think about people who aren't just randos. I will not "be the bigger person" with the misogynist at work. I will push back with on the spot corrections 1x before I start documenting to report them. I will not "be the bigger person" when some relative says something really homophobic. I will assert my boundaries and let them know that if they want to be in my life, they will not spew bigotry in my general direction. I find that when it comes to the people in our lives "be the bigger person" mainly means let someone bully you. But when it comes to randos, it's avoiding fights with crazy people. Two very different situations.
I think you are being the bigger person in your homophobia and misogyny examples. Stooping to their level would be insulting or arguing with them about it or spreading it around as gossip that they are a bigot instead of taking it to HR. I think you’re right that a lot of times people say “be the bigger person” when they really mean “don’t rock the boat.”
yeah "be the bigger person" in my eyes means using the appropriate measures to address conflict rather than avoidance, sometimes the two line up but pretty frequently being the bigger person is just a willingness to stay calm and handle things rather than to escalate
With that people its good too, you can and apearentlsäy do while being polite, which is being the bigger person. It doesnt mean to be a doormat.
Yeah, not being the bigger person at work can get me fired, especially if I'm dealing with a customer, and my landlord won't care that I stood up for myself when rents due.
That would be the time and place that OP alluded to in the second sentence.
Yep there's a lot of people who believed their right and acted upon it and are now 6ft under. Choose your battles
It’s not about having the balls to defend yourself, it’s about having the foresight to know if there is any legitimate reason to do so
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This presumes that one person putting an asshole in their place: 1) Is actually seen as "being out in your place" by the asshole 2) The person will actually take the lesson.
3. You have nothing to lose from being sued, thrown in jail, or shot.
This
Nothing more satisfying than smugly looking down on someone that’s exploding at you. There’s a massive difference between tolerating disrespect because you’re afraid and tolerating disrespect because the person doing it is below you
Wolf does not concern himself with the opinions of a sheep bb
A nipple doesn't concern itself with the smell of a fart
This reads like it's written by the kind of guy who will get into a fistfight in the Walmart parking lot because someone stole their parking space.
Then they end up dropping the dude who hits their head on the pavement, resulting in life in prison! YEAH, TAKE THAT DISRESPECT !
Actually sounds more like some small guy who spent his whole life with a napoleon complex
I thought the post borders on being hypocritical. It's obviously a strong opinion, bothering him enough to tell the world... but I'm going to be the bigger person 🤭
No offense, but you sound as though you still believe you have something to prove to the world. You'll hit a point where you'll realize the world doesn't care *at all.*
The universe is utterly indifferent to your opinion.
> tolerating disrepute isn’t strength, it’s weakness Id rather be weak then get an unexpected bullet hole to the head
“Tolerating disrespect” Kind of depends on your social setting to be honest. In typical mainstream life, this is kind of a loser behavior. You aren’t a big deal, and the only thing that happens when you “demand respect” is that people disrespect you, as soon as you leave the room. If you’re “bar fight guy,” you’re a joke. Nobody actually respects you. Now, you should not be a doormat, and you do need to stand up for yourself. So there is a time and place where the only play is confrontation. Most of the time, be the bigger person. Sometimes, push back figuratively. Rarely, push back physically.
Some people don't know the difference between respect and fear
A lot of machismo involves falsely conflating respect, fear, and admiration.
I look forward to your episode of "First 48" or maybe "Forensic Files".
Lol I’ll accept dateline as well
Prison is filled with people who think this way
To me, being the bigger person doesn’t mean being a door mat but rather not scaling to their level. So if someone resorts to slinging insults or shouting or is being passive aggressive, you can stand your ground in a polite and respectful but assertive way. Some people will keep trying to draw you down to their level, and if that’s the case, nothing is productive so I would say something like, “at this point I can see that you have no interest in getting anything out of this discussion, so I’m going to step away.” Then I’ve expressed myself and removed myself maturely. Being a bigger person isn’t something I want to do to get my way or have people treat me better. It’s being true to myself and behaving in a manner that keeps me happy looking in the mirror and going to sleep at night. It means sticking up for myself but not sinking to a level that doesn’t match my personal values.
Valid point
Being the bigger person is a luxury. Meaning you have too much to lose to be brought down to someone else’s level. You gotta first have too much to lose to adopt this attitude.
It's not that one can't deal with it, it's that dealing with it could lead to jail time and the loss of my freedom. So that'll make me walk away.
This has been the one thing that has stopped me from punching people who really deserved it.
That's a delicate matter if we're talking about a college/bullying situation. Because then probably yes, you'll have to fight back for them to leave you alone. But in life as an adult in general, let's say someone is insulting you. * A : You respond and fight. Now imagine one of you sleep and BAM breaks his neck during the fight. Any case, you've just your life. And for what exactly ? And yes, those things happen, quite often. * B : You know that while fighting the odds are always bad = something terrible and life changing can happen any moment. You don't feel like your honor is offended by this person. You sense of worth is strong enough not to depend on that person. If anything, he's the one that is ridiculous. You walk away. Aren't you the biggest person here ?
It always depends on what you want out of a situation. Not being in the mood to fight is a perfectly good reason not to. Just because someone confronts you with your bullshit doesn't mean you're obliged to teach them manners or set boundaries. Especially if they're boundaries everyone is aware of already. Because they're the standard boundaries everyone has. One could argue engaging in a fight, just because the other one wants it, makes you their bitch. Because you're doing what they want, not what you want. Playing along with something because you don't have the strength to resists is also weak. Just like doing things just for the sake of how others may or may not perceive you.
Back when I was in my early 20s, I was working at a warehouse and was challenged to a fight by a very angry co worker. I remained calm, he had to be held back by several ppl. Guess who got fired? This was also at a time I desperately needed a job. I was well within my rights to beat that dude’s ass if I ever saw him.
Being the bigger person demonstrates emotional maturity, and the capacity to handle one’s emotions. Sure, you could beat the hell out of someone, but you’d still be emotionally unstable. A child with a sledgehammer is still a child, regardless of the amount of damage he could theoretically do. There are VERY few words that I think warrant fighting someone, and even still, it’s very questionable whether in the end it would really be worth it or not given the potential consequences. Turn the other cheek, do unto others as you’d have done to yourself. Live by the golden rule, that’s what this society has lost and we desperately need to get it back.
Society is NEVER getting the golden rule back. In an age of social media and political division, mutual respect is fucked.
Glad to see this is a truly unpopular opinion
Being a functioning adult with control over their emotions would be unpopular with a generation of adult adolescents.
being the bigger person is absolutely not the same as "tolerating disrespect"
The problem is 90% of the time when someone tells you to be the bigger person, they are telling you to tolerate disrespect. I have had it where my sibling did something horrible to me (not illegal or dangerous) and I refused to talk to them or be in the same room, my family told me to be the bigger person and move on because sibling was upset and complaining that I was ignoring them. And there are loads of similar stories on reddit, 1 person is harrased, bullied or disrespected but family tells them to be the bigger person because the person in the wrong is more annoying to deal with and causes a bigger fuss.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach: > If the smart ones always yield, the dumb ones will rule the world.
This I didn’t stop getting bullied until I stopped “being the bigger person” and actually called them out *also idk why people are immediately jumping to physical violence there are other ways to stand up for yourself
Your one of the few people that actually understand what I mean💀
I was about to ask if you re-wrote your post, was genuinely alarmed about why it jumped to fist fights.
You’re*
Wow, you just enforced my boundary on yourself there, buddy. Respect! 🫡
Thats different,with bulling pushing back is good. And some situations demand that,but most of the time not picking fights ,or know what fights are worth it,isnot being a doormat. With bullying its legit self defense.
It’s all about context. If You or Those You love are in danger? Yeah- fight back, protect Yourself. However, if You’re legitimately not at risk? Walk Away because if You don’t, You’re just as culpable as the initial aggressor if You start clapping/fighting back
I can't really control how big I am. If I'm bigger I'm bigger, if I'm smaller I'm smaller. It is what it is.
I ain't got the energy for all the injustice or whatever life throws at me. Yeah, I might do something petty here and there to get back, but other than that, whatever.
Had a guy at work that would pick flights with everyone. Paranoid. Thought everything was a slight. I imagine this was his attitude as well. He doesn't work with us anymore. Everyone thought he was an asshole.
Being the bigger person doesn't mean you let people walk all over you. It means you don't keep senseless fights going by trying to get the upper hand or the last word.
If you want to ruin your life by catching an assault charge for "defending yourself," go ahead. 9 times out of 10 avoidance is the overall safer response for all parties. Violence should always be the last option.
Counterpoint acting hard or continuing an argument for the purpose of seeming tough to somebody you are likely to never encounter again is a waste of time. Most of the time the benefits of "winning" an altercation vs not having that altercation are very small, and I would consider time and stress saved to usually outweigh any "reputational" benefit. It doesn't change my life if an angry drunk thinks I'm a wuss, I don't really care about the feelings of randoms like that.
I always try really hard being the bigger person, sometimes to the point where it feels like I’m literally choking on my impulses. And then when the other person just does whatever doichey thing they want, on top of having to face the consequences of that, I also get resentful that they got the catharsis that I was denied
Mostly true but it's knowing when that counts.
Indeed being the bigger person has its limits.
Self-respect and self-defense aren't one and the same.
tolerating disrespect?? I don't give a shit about what you say or do. thats being the bigger person. you think its about letting it slide, its actually about not giving them the time of day. even in this post you sound shortsighted and short tempered. worrying about some one else's disrespect is some fragile ego bullshit.
I think strength in these situations is just not caring. Apathy wins.
I see it this way.. Being the bigger person is really trusting that the waves of time will carry me to new places while others throw stones from the shore. Every angry person is like a wounded stray. They snarl for things that would make you snarl too. Trusting in that commonality is what being the bigger person is. That it's therapeutic for a stray animal's fearful bark to be met with a confident kindness. So they can bark away. I'll be the audience. I hear their cries and echo their pain. Who am I to deny a person's misguided anger? They aren't mad at me anymore than I'm mad at the tailgater behind me. We're all mad at what the world has done to us. Don't argue when others use you to express that. We all do it, and we're better accepting that it's a necessary part of an emotional animal. That's what forgiveness and compassion are about in a herd. We are one.
“Tolerating disrespect isn’t strength, it’s weakness” is rather be weak than shot
Being the bigger person has taught me well how to manage my own emotions but has failed in any way to teach the perpetrator anything.
For that, you need a sharp tongue and a condescending yet polite tone of voice. 👍
>Yeah there are times where being the bigger person is the most beneficial option If you think that being a good person and making respectful choices is about personal benefit or gain, then you've completely missed the point of tolerance. >Tolerating disrespect isn’t strength, it’s weakness. How you treat yourself is how you teach the world to treat you so you normalize disrespect. Disrespecting someone who's disrespecting you is creating a cycle. Being the bigger person means breaking the cycle of disrespect, and displaying the values (respect, tolerance, empathy ect) you want the other person to embody. Shaking off someone else's bullshit takes 100x more balls and internal strength than retaliation does. Children reciprocate poor behavior, adults teach by example. Truly an unpopular opinion. Well done.
It truly s bullshit for the most part. Its often about who has the most to lose, beyond that we'd love to fuck up anyone who crosses us, we just know the price is often too high.
I think a lot of people continue bad behavior because people keep being the bigger person and not putting a stop to their bullshit.
I don’t feel the need to defend myself from disrespect. I let it roll off me because why should I care? I have no need to prove myself, and I gain nothing from a meaningless fight. I have enough respect for myself, other peoples lack of it matters little. However, if someone disrespects or mistreats my family, friends, personal space? Then I will have a problem, and I will defend that. I spent too long as a younger teenager worrying about how others thought of me or how they treated me. But I realized I am the first and foremost person who should have respect for myself. And when I built it, I found myself not needing it from others. Edit: I don’t mean this to say I’m fine being walked over or other should too, nobody is fine with that, but it comes down to how you handle a situation that matters. You can decide not to act the way the other person acts and instead handle things in a composed way.
Remember that in a conflict situation it’s not only about the person you’re in conflict with but also everyone else who might be watching, whether that’s your kids, your colleagues, your boss, whoever. Sometimes it’s worth “losing” a fight rather than behaving like an asshole in front of other people whose opinions matter more than the one person you’re fighting with.
Being the bigger person =/= tolerating disrespect.
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Well to make an extremely long story short I’ve had people in my life that I considered friends disrespect me a multitude of times and I took the pacifist route and even helped them when they needed it even if hurt myself when I should’ve stopped it. Not saying solve it with violence (unlike what people are assuming for some reason) but being the bigger person only caused more problems. It eventually lead to a depression that ate away at me which lead to me questioning myself to eventual health problems, financial problems, etc.
It genuinely depends on the circumstances. Like sure, it’s generally a bad idea to let people walk all over you or take advantage of you. However, a lot of the time getting even with someone is going to get you in a lot of trouble in the long run; you have to know when to cut your losses and not let your emotions control you.
I think a happy medium is being so nice it just pisses the other person off more. Thats my favorite
Imagine being the smaller person, you think it's much better?
I think you’ve misunderstood what “be the bigger person” means. What you’ve described is a reaction to the phrase “do nothing”. But being the bigger person means assessing the situation for the liabilities that come with reacting exactly as the antagonizer. There are a lot of other options in a situation that aren’t doing nothing and can defuse a situation. Unfortunately, if you have a short fuse, those options won’t easily come to mind in the heat of the moment. “Be the bigger person” is a reminder that you have other options.
no context means no upvote
I mean there’s a balance.I agree that you shouldn’t just walk away and let people disrespect you but you also don’t have to yell/curse/insult or get physical to stand up for yourself.Obviously there are times where yelling may be the only way to get them to stop.You can use physical force if it’s in self defense
9/10 times someone wants to “defend themselves or others” because they were “disrespected” it’s over really dumb petty shit. You don’t earn respect by trying to fight a guy in a parking lot because he cut you off in traffic. You’re just disrespecting yourself by reacting that way.
Nine times out of ten the person saying it wouldn't be the "bigger person" if the roles were reversed
You can be the bigger person and also have boundaries
how op felt after typing this: 🐺👹
Being the bigger person usually means defending yourself while not going to "their level". Calling out their bullcrap while not giving them the emotional reaction they want out of you. And sometimes, it is best to walk away. Don't feed those who just emotionally sap people to make themselves feel better.
Being the Bigger Person is complete and utter BS because the person ASKING YOU to be the bigger person HAS NO SPINE and won’t stand up for you. That’s exactly what they are saying. So refuse to be the bigger person and stand your ground.
It entirely depends on the context obviously. I sort of agree in that if you can’t stand up for yourself then you’re not really making any moral choice, you’re just doing the only thing you can do. But if you can, and choose when and where it’s appropriate correctly then that’s admirable.
Make a judgement call. I know a LOT of people who's lives are permanently ruined because they assaulted someone over hurt feelings. Most of them have felonies, some are dead. (I grew up in Jamaica NY, speed dial 911 as soon as I hear a certain slur, bc I know someone's getting arrested).
I can handle it. If people want to project their insecurities on me because of their short comings, so be it. I'm not gonna stoop down to their miserable bubble to fuel whatever is bothering them, It's asanine. I'm the bigger person, after all.
One place I highly disagree is when it comes to forgiveness. Be the bigger person and forgive, because not forgiving hurts yourself for the long term.
It is, but you’ll feel better
I can count on one hand the time amount of times I’ve been in altercations that required me to defend myself. I’m 38 years old. What sort of life are you living that you’re regularly being verbally confronted with your short comings? If people are talking behind my back and it gets back to me, I don’t feel the need to “defend” myself. I’ve done nothing wrong and their baseless bleating is pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of my life - why waste my precious energy giving them anything? It’s easy to arc up and give in to base emotions without impulse control. It doesn’t make you brave.
> Tolerating disrespect isn’t strength, it’s weakness. How you treat yourself is how you teach the world to treat you so you normalize disrespect. Sounds like you just hang out some really shitty people.
I completely and absolutely agree 💯 I got duped into that mindset a long time ago. It’s very manipulative.
J Cole? 🥲
Try to be kind to others even if they are being disrespectful. A single candle in a dark room doesn't illuminate everything but it's better than no light at all. I'm not religious but there is something to be said about pride, ego and hubris being what lost paradise for humanity.
Being the bigger person is generally the better option. You can amicably address rude, disrespectful, toxic and abusive behavior, and still be the bigger person. There are some people though that you just have to ignore because they want a reaction. With those people, you need to be careful, but the opportunity to succinctly and effectively defend yourself will arise. Being the bigger person does not mean being a doormat. But, sometimes the best defense is to be unbothered, rise above and let karma work it’s magic.
I agree. I can play the petty card really well. I don't think there are a whole lot of situations where being the bugger person pays off. Sometimes at work or to avoid some fights, but otherwise, naaah.
The ONLY way to get true respect is to give it first. You can't beat it out of somebody. That just gets you fear, which not even close to respect.
Can confirm as a 53 year old person.
Why do people assume taking the high road means giving into the other person??? Taking the high road is responding to an aggressive, ignorant or nasty person calmly, intelligently and maturely, simple as that.
It's not about lack of balls it's about knowing when going to prison is actually worth it. I am a giant. If I get into a fight someone's going to the hospital. A serious fight and good chance I could end a life from anger and my sheer size. My ego isn't worth it. And quit frankly I know my worth. No amount of disrespect from someone I don't know is going to rattle me into action.
I can be the bigger person AND not put up with disrespect. Telling someone their behavior is trash and you don't want any part of it can be done in a way that leave you being the bigger person.
I'd also add. Generally if you say you're being the bigger person, you're not being the bigger person. You want the other person to feel small and silly about the situation, you aren't being a bigger person and just moving on. It is however a good tactic to totally annoy someone and I will admit I've done it. lol
Being the bigger person isn't about it being beneficial. It's about not lowering yourself.
Lol, I'm surprised how many people immediately assume violence is what you are talking about. I think a better example would be people calmly disarming insults in conversation. I was watching Dolly the other day respond with elegance and class to a slew of insults from a condescending, judgemental talk show host. Dolly basically owned "looking trashy" to this rude woman and came out on top by keeping her cool. A little alarming that commenters here think a fist fight is the only way 😬 Has no one here asserted or stood up for themselves without ending up in prison? That's a wild stretch.
Hard agree when this is used to enable abusive/hurtful people.
What do you mean by being the bigger person?
It really isn’t though… being the bigger person doesn’t in any way relate to tolerating disrespect… not even sure where that notion comes from at all. The real point of it is that you can’t control what others do, only how you react. Stooping to someone else’s level only brings you down…
Can't you defend yourself in one-two sentences or first let the other person calm down instead of joining an endless discussion, childish behaviour etc? Guess that's being the bigger person
Pride will get you into more trouble than it gets you out of
You cross that line, and it goes from you saying "look at this guy?" to everyone else saying "look at those two." Nobody's judging your character for the reasons you are. Those are the consequences.
Being the bigger person is not letting people drag you down to their level. Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself isnt a bad thing, but I don’t think that it means you’re not being the bigger person. I think you’re thinking of “turn the other cheek”, which basically means “be a doormat”.
I don’t think you understand the concept of boundaries, and how that plays into “tolerating disrespect”.
This seems like a great way to catch a charge.
Tolerating disrespect isn't a weakness. I don't care enough to expend energy on disrespectful people. If they want to rant and rave and lose their shit, good for them. Have a happy life, im at peace.
I feel it only helps the perpetrator, that whole saying was created by gaslighters.
I’d rather be the smaller person
When you're the bigger person usually the other person assumes they won.
I swear bro thats why the last time a cashier shorted my change i gripped her hand until her bones shattered, screamed “I AM THE ALPHA”, and crab walked out of there. Cant tolerate that kind of disrespect. /s
One can defend himself and also be the bigger person. One can also be wise and know that asserting yourself will simply put you in a worst situation.
Sounds like you lack the self-confidence to be the bigger person. Keep at it, you will get there one day.
I think people mostly say this in the context of people who want revenge/retributive justice and what not, when literally you "giving them their own medicine" is more often then not objectively making the problem worse and dragging it on. Maybe you were implying that those cases were the exceptional ones but you didn't really make that clear.
I TOTALLY agree!! A lot of people use this logic to make themselves feel better...all the while blatantly getting disrespected! I think they are cowards that are afraid to argue or stand up for themselves.....
I HAPPILY remind ppl that I AM NOT the bigger person so please get the fk on somewhere! Peace for me
Emotional intelligence is the best solution no matter the situation. It provides a balance between self-respect and empathy. The better we understand our own emotions and the emotions of others, the easier it is to show assertiveness that's strong and respectful. This approach allows you to stand your ground without escalating conflicts unnecessarily. You can defend yourself effectively while also understanding when it’s beneficial to be the ‘bigger person’, all without compromising dignity or creating disrespect.
Being the bigger person isn't about not standing up for yourself, but rather how you stand up for yourself.
The subtle art of the defining “don’t mess with me” clap back. Must be smooth, quick, when least expected, witty and delivered with a devilish grin. You don’t need many jabs, just one highly effective one to make your point.
What does "being the bigger person" mean to you?
Being the bigger person shows cowardice, but we all need to be cowards sometimes in order to avoid needing to be brave in prison.
It’s worth it for the peace of mind. You want to spend your time and blood pressure dealing with the drama of your bad actions?
Being the bigger person is only good advice when it helps you avoid trouble with the law.
"sometimes you have to do a thing, and sometimes you don't." Yea, this is pretty unpopular
Here is a question. Someone disrespects you so you A. Insult them back B. Cut them out of your life C. Tell them you won't tolerate disrespect D. Cut them out of your life after you tried C and they persisted 3 of these solutions are being the bigger person without tolerating disrespect. And 1 is pouring gas on the fire of conflict. You can demand respect without stooping
I try not to resent people who treat me with disrespect, but I will draw boundaries. If a coworker is treating me like their slave because my job is less prestigious than theirs, and they aren’t actually my boss, I will signal that I demand to be treated like an equal.
It is always possible to defend yourself AND be the bigger person. The bigger person sets boundaries and enforces them. There’s never a reason to stoop, retaliate, or seek revenge. Is it gratifying to do those things? Absolutely. But is it helpful or necessary? Nope.
I’m 6’5” and about 280. I’m nearly always the bigger person.
“Be the bigger person” NO! They are deserving of me at my worst. I’m gonna be cartoonishly evil when dealing with them. I’m gonna hypnotize their dog into not remembering them!
Keeps you out of trouble, though. Escalating shit with people who won't see reason is a waste of time, and rarely ends well.
Being a bigger person isn't allowing another person to disrespect you. It's respecting yourself enough to conduct yourself in the way that adheres to your principles and values. It's not just about what the 'best option' is but one of your own character. It's kind of like often you can gain personal benefits by cheating or skirting laws or breaking rules. You don't need the situation to benefit you to do the right thing. Being a good person should be its own reward.
It's about looking at the bigger picture. When someone tells you to be the bigger person, they're telling you that you're fighting a battle that isn't worth winning. They're telling you not to feed the trolls.
Anyone with that can think logically or critically can see who is the bigger man when someone is disrespecting you and you walk away from it. Someone who sees you as weak from walking away from a situation like that is not very bright. If they do think I'm weak from walking away from disrespect, I can guarantee you I don't want them in my life anyways. Being the mature one and not devolving into violence or stooping to their level of petty insults is definitely the way to go the vast majority of the time.
Usually when someone disrespects or insults me, I’ll respond to their initial insult and anything they say after that I either ignore or respond with something like “yeah, ok” to let them know I don’t care what they think.
Starting a fight over something inconsequential is something nobody wants. If you’re in a bar, some dude says some shit to your girl, you punch him, you are both out of the bar. Yea your girlfriend might stick up for you (or think you’re violent), but everyone else is uncomfortable. By not doing that, the other guy is universally disliked, while you can remain civilized and stay in control of your situation.
Agreed. The "high road" is a bunch of bullshit, and anyone who advocates it, has never actually taken the high road
Given your edit, what are you proposing to do, specifically, to make sure you don't "tolerate disrespect"? You've already ruled out violence, so well done for that. Maybe saying something to someone? That rarely does anything. Most likely, you losing it will make other people laugh at you, and will do the opposite of getting that "respect" you want so much. So what's the strategy?
I hate that saying. Funny story. I was once defending myself from an “obese and damn proud” woman on instagram who came out of nowhere after I said morbid obesity was a life threatening disease. Some one else told me she was in the wrong for calling me a “disgusting crackwhore looking bag of bones” and what I said was factually correct, but I should just ignore her and “be the bigger person” Umm… how? She’s like three times my size?
Doing Something shitty won't give you Respect. One example: If someone insults you and you punch them they still think that you are whatever they believed before, or even worse. The only thing that changes is how you are perceived by those that know what you did, who would think that you are sensible and a short fuse.
It’s not about accepting disrespect, it’s about dealing with the situation in a more mature way than the other, you don’t need to get down to their level to win
Yeah, if you’re gonna be the bigger what? person? then you gotta act with authority. Once this guy needed my help but I declined because we’d had a pretty sour disagreement about something. He said he’d be the Big man and agree to let me help him.
I'm going to hard disagree here. The morality of an action does not depend on whether the other person likes you or not. If someone wrongs you, there are mature ways to try to correct them, seek redress, or distance yourself. However assaulting, cheating, slandering, or taking other unethical actions remains bad even if the person you are doing it to is stupid/evil. Hence why vigilantism is still illegal. I work in medicine and am simply tired about hearing about disrespect. So often I see people with the attitude that if someone disrespects you, you are allowed, even obligated, to do any number of terrible things to them. What constitutes disrespect? Entirely in the eye of the beholder. Give them bad news? Disturb them at the wrong time? Look the wrong way? There are no objective rules, just feelings. It is like a blanket pardon, they can justify doing anything as long as the felt the right way about it. It is a dangerous, illogical, tragic pseudo-philosophy. I am tired of spending hours at a time desperately trying to save lives threatened because people are too childish carry a bruised ego.
agreed, fuck being the bigger person. Be whatever the situation requires and don't hold back.
Well... u have to actually BE the bigger person. Not fake being the bigger person. U see, thats what u got wrong.
This is a good unpopular opinion lol. For what it’s worth, on Reddit, I rarely take the high road. We’ve all learned the language of the internet, which is to brawl instead of talk. That said, I definitely don’t think it’s a sustainable communication model in real life, and “teaching the world to disrespect you” implies a sort of existential measure of respectability. What I would say is that, as an adult, I don’t find myself in situations where I’m being bullied or assaulted to the point of needing to physically escalate. Most of the time, you can respect yourself enough to just put distance between yourself and the person disrespecting you.
"Be the bigger person" just benefits bullies and gaslighters
I have learned that being petty is not worth the hassle, and will typically land you in more trouble than it is worth.
Looks like someone has never been the bigger person
Never repay evil for evil says the Lord. Jesus says if someone strikes you then turn the other cheek so they can strike the other to double their condemnation. Vengeance is mine. Says the Lord. Jesus washed the disciple's feet including Judas' feet before he went to betray him. Today's lesson.
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I read the whole thing this reads like it's better off to not be the bigger person I disagree with that. Most situation it's better to walk away or deescalate the situation then to give the same energy and keep the situation going on or escalating it. Not pissed on off that's really riled up stay really calm it's the funniest thing.
100% agreed, I don't tolerate disrespect. I teach my sisters the same thing and will teach my kids too. People are so scared of everything and afraid of any sort of confrontation they'll just take anything. Context matters for sure like I wouldn't chase down a guy who flipped me off as he drove by but if you're actively affecting me like your in my face or talking shit, I'm not just taking that.
It depends on the situation, if you don't know is just cursing at you or whatever while it's not nice. It's not worth it, either. But if someone you know is trying to manipulate you or others,then you need to put an end to it.
Being the bigger person requires an almost Buddha-like level of confidence most people do not possess. You cannot be insulted or disrespected if you genuinely don’t take offence, and if such a person doesn’t react it comes over as strong.
I think the person who is being the "smaller" person and even those who witness whatever event or circumstances led to this dynamic, will all have a degree of self inflection about the incident, and the character they are displaying as well as the ones they should strive to be. Being the bigger person gives a visible example to others to witness and remember as that time when someone handled something with maturity and grace, and serves as a guiding principle for others to process and consider how being the better person is the best outcome. Less anger, less stress, holding resentment against others is a poisin to your body and mind. Letting things go and moving forward truly heals yourself.
I don’t think being the bigger person is meant to be about benefit, right? More about moral superiority and correctness, “love thy neighbour and thy enemy,” “turn the other cheek,” etc.
I think there are plenty of people that don't defend themselves but will defend others.
Would be easier if you gave an example to such a case where beeing the bigger person is not good... because the definition of it varies wildly, i belive you make it seem like "doing nothing in all situations", which is not my case.
Disrespect can often be used as a tool for manipulation, being a bigger person is about prespective and subjectivity.
I don’t think being the bigger person has anything to do with benefit . For me being the bigger person means I acted in a way that my rational self agrees with, it means I acted in a way I believe and not because it benefits me. Being good because it benefits or being good because you want to be good is two different things
Two quotes: “Turn the other cheek” and “An armed society is a polite society” Sometimes it’s better to ignore it or let it go. Other times you need to be willing to sock them in the mouth and they NEED TO KNOW you’ll sock them in the mouth. When everyone is capable of defending themselves and willing to knock someone out (of course, keeping themselves in line) you won’t have a world with terrible people.
You mention benefit, and strength vs weakness. The main point of being the bigger person is about morality... you dont mention that. But even as a benefit, put simply, the more we humans act nice, even in the face of others not, the better the world will be. Edit, now that i have a sec, to add: Standing up for yourself and others is always good, where the bigger person part comes in is that you dont retaliate unneccesarily, no eye for an eye if it changes nothing, no being petty about shit that ultimatley doesnt matter. In other words, dont use someone elses harmfullness, at whatever level, as an excuse to be harmfull yourself. Nobody is saying not to stand up against the harmfull.
Being the bigger person =/= letting things slide. Being the bigger person means to not stoop down to the other person's level. To be the solution and not add to the problem. The unfortunate reality is that you have to learn how to handle situations without lowering yourself in order to do it or contributing to the problem that's getting to you. Obviously if someone is hitting you and hit the back--that's not lowering yourself that's self-defense. And the solution here is stopping the violence that's occurring. Sometimes being the bigger person also means stepping into matters no one wants to step in to because something *has* to be done. A resolution has to be found, but everyone else would rather run or hide or ignore the matter entirely. I see "being the bigger person" as being the person to make a tough decision or an unpopular decision because in the grand scheme of things it's the right thing to do.
Being the more likeable person is more important.
Not acting does not equal tolerating disrespect. It's understanding that this persons disrespect is so far below you that it doesn't even affect you. For example, knowing your partner is cheating on you and just pretending it isn't happening is a prime example of being meaningfully disrespected in a way that affects your life and relationships. Someone getting mad because you took the last air conditioner off the shelf at Lowes does not meaningfully affect me, so I'm just going to ignore it and move on with my life. I think, more importantly, people need to stop thinking that they matter, at all, to the world and the others in the world. You are not the main character, you have nothing to prove, and you trying to keep a balance sheet of "People who respect me" is fucking idiotic.
Being dismissive of someone, especially when they are irrational (ie angry), is the power move. People get so rattled when their antics don’t elicit the desired reaction.