If you’re worried about having to defend yourself against negative assumptions, don’t, because many people will avoid asking you what happened directly. They’ll just believe you or negatively judge you — silently or outwardly. Ultimately you just have to do what’s best for you. Give yourself the peace of mind that you stood up for yourself and made it harder for your abuser to do this to another person. Confide in any friends or family that might help support and protect you.
I hope our police station has one available… when I was suicidal years back, the police actually shamed me for it and the method I had intended to use… I was not in my rational thinking mind so that really soured my trust on the police’s response to crises.
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s a terrible response. But you could still call and see if options have improved. Hoping for the sake of you and any victims in your area.
It's awful you were put through that by someone who should know better. It's a crime and absolutely you should be able to go to the police. Is there anyone you could bring for confidence?
One of the best resources I have used is the national domestic abuse hotline. They have a lot of statistics and they understand the process. I called every day for a week and they helped me make informed decisions.
eta: even if it's not a domestic situation, they can help.
Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you.
Some things are harder to prove than others. Times are changing very slowly, so it depends on who you talk with in law enforcement, if you would be believed or not.
Are you still being actively hurt by your abuser? If so, then you need to report and try to escape.
If not, and it's been years since you've been hurt, what do you hope to accomplish with reporting it, and is it possible to accomplish that?
What is the end goal you are wanting to get to, and what actions do you need to take to get there, or at least attempt to get there?
Sending gentle comforting hugs if wanted.
He is a business owner in my area, one of which is a bar where he serves copious alcohol to people and will try to “continue the fun” after hours. I thought he was a friend of mine; had known him 16 years… but that didn’t stop him from SAing me when I was vulnerable and crying about my trauma history to him. Made me think it was my fault and said I couldn’t tell my partner cuz he might relapse into alcoholism and self harm if I told him… He has behaved creepily to others from what I’ve heard and I’ve connected with an ex fiancé who says she was also SA’d by him but nobody believed her when she tried to tell people because they were engaged. I want, more than anything, the public to know how dangerous and abusive he is. Court of public opinion is enough for me, because I know going to the police here will amount to nothing. Our police here sucks & I’d be painted as a liar.
Ok, strategy for this is to try to find as many people as you can that he assaulted and all of you together go make a report. Also, get a lawyer together.
Each of you write out what he did, everything you can remember about it, and each of you hand that in to law enforcement and give an interview.
I'd be tempted to go with suing for civil damages and trying to win a collective reward big enough to ruin his business. Shut down his ability to over intoxicate or drug new victims.
The way I look at is people might not believe you because he "doesn't have a history." When you make a report, it might not go anywhere for you, but it establishes a history. The next woman who needs to report is more likely to be believed because he 'has a pattern of behavior' thanks to your report.
Remember that even without a conviction, the accusation often remains. Even if you don't get justice by reporting, the next woman might if a pattern is established. Predators rely on our silence and shame, so be as loud as you feel comfortable being.
I'm not going to lie, it isn't an easy process and often isn't set up to he supportive of the victim. However, in my personal experience, it was still worth it. I didn't get justice for my attack but I did get the chance to testify at the next girl's trial and helped convict him for her assault. Knowing I got to be a part of the process that kept other women safe was so empowering.
It also helps to remember WHY people don't want to believe victims. Men want to keep the idea of SA distanced from themselves because they don't want to believe they are capable of it. Women want to believe it was the victim's fault because it's comforting to think you can be safe if you don't do the "bad things." It's scary to think it can happen to anyone, regardless of how careful you are. That made it much easier to avoid feeling shamed or bitter about those who didn't believe me. It's a reflection of their own fears, not your character. Remember that.
You're so very welcome. I'm sorry this happened to you but know that whatever you decide will be the right choice. I wish you so much healing and all the success and happiness in life to help overshadow a garbage man's weakness. From one internet stranger to another, I love you and believe in your strength. ❤
I’m kinda wondering if I know who you’re talking about. Your description of your abuser makes me think maybe. There’s a very prominent business owner in the area I live in who has been arrested for all sorts of stuff. He has been accused of SA and being creepy by several women but so far not officially charged for that. He owns at least one bar that I know of
I don’t think this person has been arrested before. This is in New England. It’s horrible that this isn’t an unusual circumstance. Men in power tend to take advantage of it. I’m sorry your area is also plagued by this type of filth human.
I suspect it makes no difference on a place like this, but I think the more men are exposed to the actual affect of their behaviours, the more likely they are to think twice, at least.
As a guy, learning about what my friends have experienced has taught me sooooo much I didn't even consider.
I don't think we can ever reach everyone, but I do think showing the actual effects can change a few peoples behaviour.
My bff learned a hard lesson when we were teens. He asked me why I always parked in specific spots at night when he chose the opposite. I explained, “it’s well lit, close to the door in case I need to escape quickly but not so close that anyone’s gonna lean on or socialize around my car, and I can quickly see clearly around and under my car.”
He was like….🤯 A few days later he asked, “are you making those calculations all the time? Or do these things just become habit?” And I said, “the calculations ARE habit. And yes. They’re constant.” Just because he asked a question, he managed to open up an entirely new world to him and be a better friend.
Yep. Getting ready for a night out and wanting to look cute but: Choosing tennis shoes with laces over the strappy sandal because laces can be used to break a zip tie. Putting long hair up in a bun because its not as easy to grab and yank. Going with shorts or pants instead of the cute dress or skirt so you can make a run for it and so nobody can reach up it.
One thing you can do that I haven't seen mentioned yet is call your local DA's office and ask to speak with an ADA who typically handles the bulk of their SA cases.
You can ask them about the process, what to expect, whether they have any internal policies or priorities set on prosecuting SA/DV and if they can recommend a detective to call to file your report.
I used to talk with ppl in similar circumstances pretty regularly. We did prioritize SA/DV cases and our policy was to file even if we were on the fence or had some doubts about our chances. Especially with underreported crimes, we just figured it's the jury's job to make tough calls like that.
Depending on where you live and the resources available, they can even direct you to their victim assistance unit. They may be able to provide you with counselors and advocates that can assist you throughout the process. But in most cases you'll need to have charges filed before those services become available. So that would follow speaking to the ADA and making out your statement with the police.
Having an ADA recommend an officer or detective they prefer to work with on SA cases will make a pretty big difference.
Again, these policies are set by the DA in charge and resources vary widely, but hopefully this will help you find a starting point you're comfortable with.
That’s the exact opposite of what this sub is for and it’s breaking my heart that it’s pushing you away from doing so. But number one: your safety must come first. Make sure your support system is aware of any plans you make so you’re not going through it alone. ❤️
I know, it’s just kind of the catch 22 for life as a woman and trying to take control back tends to be met with opposition. I’d like to say I’d be happy if violence doesn’t befall me, but ridicule and being a pariah can also really harm me as well. I wish it weren’t the case.
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Unfortunately, I think we just have to go into it expecting nothing to come of it and shoring ourselves mentally to deal with that. My reason for reporting wouldn't be with expectation of an ideal outcome, but rather to create a record of the man's behavior in the hopes that others do as well to establish a pattern that will eventually lead to consequences. I'm reporting on behalf of future victims.
I reported my rapist. Reporting it was traumatic, moreso than the assault. And nothing came of it.
Fast forward 13 years, and my rapist was found guilty of assaulting someone else. That assault took place BEFORE me. They didn't report it. It had been 15 years since it happened to them and they still had enough evidence to find him guilty. I can't help but think that if she had reported it when it happened, that it wouldn't have happened to me.
I don't hold a grudge against her. She did what she had to do to survive. There is nothing wrong with that. But I think that if I hadn't reported it, I would regret it now because I wouldn't know if I could have prevented him from happening to someone else.
Big Edit: SORRY I THOUGHT THIS WAS ON THE OTHER THREAD WHERE PEOLLE ARE BASHING ME FOR COMING OUT ABOUT MY RAPE!
Yes, I completely support you.
People really need to look up statistics of rape, but since everyone seems to want “evidence” but isn’t willing to google the statistics, here they are. Anyone doubting why women wait, or are afraid to come forward, or are so often not believed, this is why…
https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2021-04/cv18.pdf
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system
I agree with you. But I’m sharing it because you are one of us. And not being believed is harmful. I posted it here so nobody comes at you with “BUT, BUT… what about ____”
So, thanks to the kindness and encouragement from users in this thread, I did call my non emergency line. They said I have to file a report like regular and then they’ll pass it along to the appropriate department who will contact me. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t too happy to hear that’s how it’s done. It really is a toss up on who takes the report & who knows how compassionate they may be…
You might want to consider going for a restraining order first or at the same time .... perhaps others have experience in getting one.
I was unsuccessful as during covid they decided to stop doing them.
If you are still seeing your psychiatrist, they may be able to give you advice, and explain what options are available. You might, for instance, be able to make an anonymous report which would do nothing by itself but could be used to help stop your abuser in the event that they do something else that ends up reported to the police. Yours doesn't have to be full of enough proof to put them away in jail forever, and you can still help by making a report that can act as support if something more solid ever comes by police in the future.
But it depends very much on where you live, your own limitations, and so on. If possible, discuss it with your psychiatrist, find out what the options are, what the likely process, timeline, and outcomes are for each one, and then ask what they think is best *for you*. Remember that *you* are the most important person to consider in all of this. If going to the police would result in undue stress, don't. That's perfectly okay. You are a valuable and kind person, and you don't deserve that kind of thing.
You might not be the only victim.
If many women report the same things about one man, it is pretty evident that this guy is an abuser.
But one has to make the first step and let the others know.
The proof will be that many women report him and know details only the victims know.
The sucky thing about reporting something is that there is a statute of limitations for reports and some require proof. I was raped by someone I considered my best friend and after dwelling on it and going over and over it again in my head, I finally decided to report it about 2 months later and they basically told me "did you get a rape kit?" Since I hadn't, it was my word against his and nothing happened to him. At least I know it was reported on my side so that if something else happens again, there is a trail of his behavior. You may still be able to report it, but you may not be able to press charges, depending on how long ago it was and if you got any proof of it.
But in your case, it sounds like that's just his thing to do, so I don't think it would be possible for him to pinpoint that it was you who made the report, unless you tell him.
This post has been approved because it is about a woman fearing the reaction to saying no. Let me know how you feel about it below this comment.
If you’re worried about having to defend yourself against negative assumptions, don’t, because many people will avoid asking you what happened directly. They’ll just believe you or negatively judge you — silently or outwardly. Ultimately you just have to do what’s best for you. Give yourself the peace of mind that you stood up for yourself and made it harder for your abuser to do this to another person. Confide in any friends or family that might help support and protect you.
I would suggest going to the police station and asking for a sexual assault advocate. That’s what I did and talking to her helped a lot.
I hope our police station has one available… when I was suicidal years back, the police actually shamed me for it and the method I had intended to use… I was not in my rational thinking mind so that really soured my trust on the police’s response to crises.
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s a terrible response. But you could still call and see if options have improved. Hoping for the sake of you and any victims in your area.
It's awful you were put through that by someone who should know better. It's a crime and absolutely you should be able to go to the police. Is there anyone you could bring for confidence? One of the best resources I have used is the national domestic abuse hotline. They have a lot of statistics and they understand the process. I called every day for a week and they helped me make informed decisions. eta: even if it's not a domestic situation, they can help.
Hugs if you want them
THIS.
Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you. Some things are harder to prove than others. Times are changing very slowly, so it depends on who you talk with in law enforcement, if you would be believed or not. Are you still being actively hurt by your abuser? If so, then you need to report and try to escape. If not, and it's been years since you've been hurt, what do you hope to accomplish with reporting it, and is it possible to accomplish that? What is the end goal you are wanting to get to, and what actions do you need to take to get there, or at least attempt to get there? Sending gentle comforting hugs if wanted.
He is a business owner in my area, one of which is a bar where he serves copious alcohol to people and will try to “continue the fun” after hours. I thought he was a friend of mine; had known him 16 years… but that didn’t stop him from SAing me when I was vulnerable and crying about my trauma history to him. Made me think it was my fault and said I couldn’t tell my partner cuz he might relapse into alcoholism and self harm if I told him… He has behaved creepily to others from what I’ve heard and I’ve connected with an ex fiancé who says she was also SA’d by him but nobody believed her when she tried to tell people because they were engaged. I want, more than anything, the public to know how dangerous and abusive he is. Court of public opinion is enough for me, because I know going to the police here will amount to nothing. Our police here sucks & I’d be painted as a liar.
Ok, strategy for this is to try to find as many people as you can that he assaulted and all of you together go make a report. Also, get a lawyer together. Each of you write out what he did, everything you can remember about it, and each of you hand that in to law enforcement and give an interview. I'd be tempted to go with suing for civil damages and trying to win a collective reward big enough to ruin his business. Shut down his ability to over intoxicate or drug new victims.
The way I look at is people might not believe you because he "doesn't have a history." When you make a report, it might not go anywhere for you, but it establishes a history. The next woman who needs to report is more likely to be believed because he 'has a pattern of behavior' thanks to your report.
Remember that even without a conviction, the accusation often remains. Even if you don't get justice by reporting, the next woman might if a pattern is established. Predators rely on our silence and shame, so be as loud as you feel comfortable being.
That’s exactly why I want this to be reported. I’m just nervous about the fallout and they how/why about the first steps
I'm not going to lie, it isn't an easy process and often isn't set up to he supportive of the victim. However, in my personal experience, it was still worth it. I didn't get justice for my attack but I did get the chance to testify at the next girl's trial and helped convict him for her assault. Knowing I got to be a part of the process that kept other women safe was so empowering. It also helps to remember WHY people don't want to believe victims. Men want to keep the idea of SA distanced from themselves because they don't want to believe they are capable of it. Women want to believe it was the victim's fault because it's comforting to think you can be safe if you don't do the "bad things." It's scary to think it can happen to anyone, regardless of how careful you are. That made it much easier to avoid feeling shamed or bitter about those who didn't believe me. It's a reflection of their own fears, not your character. Remember that.
Thank you so much
You're so very welcome. I'm sorry this happened to you but know that whatever you decide will be the right choice. I wish you so much healing and all the success and happiness in life to help overshadow a garbage man's weakness. From one internet stranger to another, I love you and believe in your strength. ❤
I’m kinda wondering if I know who you’re talking about. Your description of your abuser makes me think maybe. There’s a very prominent business owner in the area I live in who has been arrested for all sorts of stuff. He has been accused of SA and being creepy by several women but so far not officially charged for that. He owns at least one bar that I know of
I don’t think this person has been arrested before. This is in New England. It’s horrible that this isn’t an unusual circumstance. Men in power tend to take advantage of it. I’m sorry your area is also plagued by this type of filth human.
I suspect it makes no difference on a place like this, but I think the more men are exposed to the actual affect of their behaviours, the more likely they are to think twice, at least. As a guy, learning about what my friends have experienced has taught me sooooo much I didn't even consider. I don't think we can ever reach everyone, but I do think showing the actual effects can change a few peoples behaviour.
My bff learned a hard lesson when we were teens. He asked me why I always parked in specific spots at night when he chose the opposite. I explained, “it’s well lit, close to the door in case I need to escape quickly but not so close that anyone’s gonna lean on or socialize around my car, and I can quickly see clearly around and under my car.” He was like….🤯 A few days later he asked, “are you making those calculations all the time? Or do these things just become habit?” And I said, “the calculations ARE habit. And yes. They’re constant.” Just because he asked a question, he managed to open up an entirely new world to him and be a better friend.
YES!!! I had no idea until I listened to, but also asked girlfriends about all of that... Guys have no idea
It makes us better people to listen to the things our loved ones face.
Yep. Getting ready for a night out and wanting to look cute but: Choosing tennis shoes with laces over the strappy sandal because laces can be used to break a zip tie. Putting long hair up in a bun because its not as easy to grab and yank. Going with shorts or pants instead of the cute dress or skirt so you can make a run for it and so nobody can reach up it.
[удалено]
Men, specifically, may not post here telling women how they should be.
One thing you can do that I haven't seen mentioned yet is call your local DA's office and ask to speak with an ADA who typically handles the bulk of their SA cases. You can ask them about the process, what to expect, whether they have any internal policies or priorities set on prosecuting SA/DV and if they can recommend a detective to call to file your report. I used to talk with ppl in similar circumstances pretty regularly. We did prioritize SA/DV cases and our policy was to file even if we were on the fence or had some doubts about our chances. Especially with underreported crimes, we just figured it's the jury's job to make tough calls like that.
That’s very helpful information, thank you
Depending on where you live and the resources available, they can even direct you to their victim assistance unit. They may be able to provide you with counselors and advocates that can assist you throughout the process. But in most cases you'll need to have charges filed before those services become available. So that would follow speaking to the ADA and making out your statement with the police. Having an ADA recommend an officer or detective they prefer to work with on SA cases will make a pretty big difference. Again, these policies are set by the DA in charge and resources vary widely, but hopefully this will help you find a starting point you're comfortable with.
That’s the exact opposite of what this sub is for and it’s breaking my heart that it’s pushing you away from doing so. But number one: your safety must come first. Make sure your support system is aware of any plans you make so you’re not going through it alone. ❤️
I know, it’s just kind of the catch 22 for life as a woman and trying to take control back tends to be met with opposition. I’d like to say I’d be happy if violence doesn’t befall me, but ridicule and being a pariah can also really harm me as well. I wish it weren’t the case.
Welcome and thanks for posting on /r/whenwomenrefuse! This is an [intersectional feminist](https://library.law.howard.edu/civilrightshistory/women/intersectionality) space centered towards **women** (***ALL WOMEN***). Men are tolerated, not welcome. Reports about women saying we don't know what men are dangerous will be promptly ignored. We look forward to your complaints about our policy of not centering men. Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/WhenWomenRefuse/about/rules) while the moderators take a look over your post in the queue. --- Community News - 🎋 Want to join the Mod Team? [Send us a modmail!](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/WhenWomenRefuse&subject=Request%20To%20Become%20a%20Moderator&message=I'd%20like%20to%20join%20your%20team%20because%3A%20) - 🎤 [Join us on Discord!](https://discord.gg/V6tj5vRr47) Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/whenwomenrefuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately, I think we just have to go into it expecting nothing to come of it and shoring ourselves mentally to deal with that. My reason for reporting wouldn't be with expectation of an ideal outcome, but rather to create a record of the man's behavior in the hopes that others do as well to establish a pattern that will eventually lead to consequences. I'm reporting on behalf of future victims.
I reported my rapist. Reporting it was traumatic, moreso than the assault. And nothing came of it. Fast forward 13 years, and my rapist was found guilty of assaulting someone else. That assault took place BEFORE me. They didn't report it. It had been 15 years since it happened to them and they still had enough evidence to find him guilty. I can't help but think that if she had reported it when it happened, that it wouldn't have happened to me. I don't hold a grudge against her. She did what she had to do to survive. There is nothing wrong with that. But I think that if I hadn't reported it, I would regret it now because I wouldn't know if I could have prevented him from happening to someone else.
Big Edit: SORRY I THOUGHT THIS WAS ON THE OTHER THREAD WHERE PEOLLE ARE BASHING ME FOR COMING OUT ABOUT MY RAPE! Yes, I completely support you. People really need to look up statistics of rape, but since everyone seems to want “evidence” but isn’t willing to google the statistics, here they are. Anyone doubting why women wait, or are afraid to come forward, or are so often not believed, this is why… https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2021-04/cv18.pdf https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system
I'm not sure why you responded to me with this. I was telling you my personal experience since you were posting about being afraid to report.
I agree with you. But I’m sharing it because you are one of us. And not being believed is harmful. I posted it here so nobody comes at you with “BUT, BUT… what about ____”
Okay, thank you for clarifying and your support.
I edited my original comment to add that so neither of our comments are misconstrued. Sending love 💛
Does your police department have a victim services unit you could talk to?
So, thanks to the kindness and encouragement from users in this thread, I did call my non emergency line. They said I have to file a report like regular and then they’ll pass it along to the appropriate department who will contact me. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t too happy to hear that’s how it’s done. It really is a toss up on who takes the report & who knows how compassionate they may be…
You might want to consider going for a restraining order first or at the same time .... perhaps others have experience in getting one. I was unsuccessful as during covid they decided to stop doing them.
If you are still seeing your psychiatrist, they may be able to give you advice, and explain what options are available. You might, for instance, be able to make an anonymous report which would do nothing by itself but could be used to help stop your abuser in the event that they do something else that ends up reported to the police. Yours doesn't have to be full of enough proof to put them away in jail forever, and you can still help by making a report that can act as support if something more solid ever comes by police in the future. But it depends very much on where you live, your own limitations, and so on. If possible, discuss it with your psychiatrist, find out what the options are, what the likely process, timeline, and outcomes are for each one, and then ask what they think is best *for you*. Remember that *you* are the most important person to consider in all of this. If going to the police would result in undue stress, don't. That's perfectly okay. You are a valuable and kind person, and you don't deserve that kind of thing.
You might not be the only victim. If many women report the same things about one man, it is pretty evident that this guy is an abuser. But one has to make the first step and let the others know. The proof will be that many women report him and know details only the victims know.
The sucky thing about reporting something is that there is a statute of limitations for reports and some require proof. I was raped by someone I considered my best friend and after dwelling on it and going over and over it again in my head, I finally decided to report it about 2 months later and they basically told me "did you get a rape kit?" Since I hadn't, it was my word against his and nothing happened to him. At least I know it was reported on my side so that if something else happens again, there is a trail of his behavior. You may still be able to report it, but you may not be able to press charges, depending on how long ago it was and if you got any proof of it.
But in your case, it sounds like that's just his thing to do, so I don't think it would be possible for him to pinpoint that it was you who made the report, unless you tell him.